‘Ferret and the Pheromones’ videos are also available on Youtube, Spotify etc
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The Book of Ferret Episodes 1 to 4 is available in print, as an eBook and as an audiobook.
RATED - R 18+
MAD DOLL PRODUCTIONS
Ferret is a pint-sized bogan from The Hawkesbury, on the outskirts of Sydney, Australia. He's unemployed and he's a loser.
One day, he discovers that he's got two long-lost brothers and that he's heir to tens of millions of dollars. He also finds out that the pheromone wipes in the vending machine at the local pub really do drive women wild.
During the course of his adventures Ferret uses the pheromone wipes to good advantage. He forms a punk band, gets chased by the Yakuza, becomes acting principal of a high school within one week, runs for parliament and ends up cryogenically frozen and woken up in a future world where water is scarce.
This is a very rude book. It's got heaps of swearing and comical sex and takes the piss out of just about everybody.
Below is a PDF and accompanying narration for the first 26 pages of
The Book of Ferret Episodes 1 to 4.
Written by Madison Doll and narrated by Mark Clark.
AVAILABLE SOON!
This is a picture of Ferret’s manager, Madison Doll. She was 17 when this picture was taken. Whatever you do, don’t take Ice.
Below is a picture of Madison Doll when she first took Ice.
Preface by Madison Doll - Author and band manager
How to describe Ferret? Where does one begin? Heavens, what a character.
I first met Ferris Cutler at a dwarf throwing contest in Newcastle. He was fucking two of the contestants after the show when I interrupted him, and he accidentally came all over my new dress. We became instant friends.
I soon found out that Ferret Cutler is an incredibly talented and highly motivated young man. At just twenty years of age he is an accomplished writer, actor, musician, paramour and raconteur; he has written and recorded three albums of satirical songs; toured extensively with his band, ‘The Pheromones’; starred in a plethora of film clips and trailers; detailed his overseas exploits with great candour in his travelogues and provided a new interpretation for several books of the Old Testament that Rabbis will analyse for years to come. He also invented the internal combustion engine. However, when it was explained to him that it had already been invented, with typical modesty and good humour he exclaimed: ‘Fuck!’ and moved on.
His immense wealth, his exploits with women, and his gratuitous use of pheromone wipes are legendary and are detailed in The Book of Ferret, which, as his manager, I was privileged to write.
Today, Ferret not only writes songs and is front man for ‘The Pheromones’ but has now established his own company, Mad Doll Productions. My staff and I will endeavour to bring you the latest from (dare of say it?) this unparalleled genius.
So, tip back the edges of your gowns, ladies, and hold onto your hairpieces, gentlemen - The Age of Ferret is upon us all.
A Word from Ferris Cutler
(A.K.A. Ferret)
Me step-mum (Mumsy) was a randy New Zealand bitch who got a job as me old man’s housekeeper. He was so rich he farted small change. When him ‘n’ ‘is wife moved to England she followed ‘em over. See, before she got so fucken’ fat she showed up in aerial photographs, she was a good looker, in a slutty sorta way. She also had other skills – they used to call her ‘Hoover’. Anyway, she cleaned the house regularly and after a while she started buffing Dad’s trophies on a regular basis, if you see where I’m goin’. So when Dad and his wife moved to Australia she went wif ‘em, where she arranged to have Dad’s first wife murdered (bitten by a funnel-web under the Golden Arches in Lithgow [it’s painful there]) and eventually she married the old man. Me older brother, Bernard who now stands six foot six, is built like a brick shithouse and sounds like a toffee tongued Pommy, was just a toddler then and me and me twin brother, Horatio, an accident-prone little poofter who looks like me but sounds like ‘es from London, were still in the cradle. Anyway, to cut a short story long, after I bit off one of Mumsy’s nipples she had the shits wif me and tried to have me killed too. I disappeared, presumed drowned, and was all on me lonesome until me brothers finally found me – but that’s another story (The Book of Ferret Episodes 1 - 4). Dad was the president of the local Polo Club and Mumsy used to service the local horses and their owners. Then she started servicing the fiery, bare-chested Latin, Renaldo, who serviced the pool - and Mumsy. Together they had Dad murdered, then, Mumsy had Renaldo framed and murdered. So, as it turned out, she come in as the housekeeper and ended up keepin’ the house.
As for me, I had to fend for meself and I have done ever since. I’m twenty odd years old now and I live in Sydney’s outer west. I was a dole bludgen’ bogun and fiercely proud of it – but that’s another story (The Book of Ferret Episode 1) until me brothers found me and I discovered that I was fabulously wealthy – but that’s another story (The Book of Ferret Episode 1) . I visited Japan and realised what a fucken’ small fish I was and what a small pond I lived in. I looked around me and heard people saying ‘fuck’ a lot with no apparent context; realised that the nicely heated seats they enjoy on Japanese trains wouldn’t last two minutes in the western suburbs of Sydney – they’d be ripped out quicker than a black bean fart; and me eyes were opened to the poor upbringin’ of the local kids, many of whom will never leave the outer west and who, having listened to their virago mothers curse their useless husbands for so many years, think that their Dad’s name is ‘Fucken’ Wayne’. I ‘ad a go at playin’ guitar but I was fucken’ awful. However, I could sing a bit and I had a knack for writin’ heavy-handed satire. So I formed a punk band called ‘The Pheromones’ wif me brothers, plus a seven foot tall thin poof, called Sally and an invisible drummer called Jesus. ‘e’s a Pooka, like in the movie ‘Harvey’ – but ‘es not a rabbit. So far as I can tell ‘es some type of leprechaun little cunt drummer - but that’s another story (The Book of Ferret Episode 1). We become world famous (you’ve probably heard of us) but I got tired of fucking eighteen year old women (who had shown me their birth certificate) and snorting cocaine off the bellies of air hostesses in me own private jet. I wanted to give somefink back. So I become a English teacher for a week and by the end of that week, by a series of unlikely events – I had promoted to acting principal – but that’s another story (The Book of Ferret Episode 2). Fellow teachers Felch Seaman and Rusty Trombone (who is definitely not gay [in spite of the fact that I caught Felch licking his arse]) joined the band and the rest is history. Oh, apart from the fact that I ran for office and become a member of parliament – but that’s another story (The Book of Ferret Episode 3). I had me mates and me mates cryogenically frozen when the Sydney Fires broke out in 2019 and woke up in the future where I fought the PCs and the Muzzos wif the help of the Western Suburbs Icers (The Book of Ferret Episode 4). And here I am - and here you are – if you’re still readin’ this lump of shit. That’s a couple of minutes of your life you ‘aint getting’ back, pal, so cop it sweet.
STAY TUNED
Songs, vids and offensive writings
coming at yous!
Intro to Staff
Muzzo Lini
Known to his friends as ‘The Helicopter’, Muzzo Lini is endowed with an enormous penis, which he uses to good effect at shower time. This has no bearing on his work for Ferret, but just to note that it is a fucken’ beauty! Muzzo has several wives, all of whom he treats equally badly, except for Fatima, whom he adores – principally because she is his newest acquisition and is nine years old. ‘If it’s good enough for the prophet . . .’ he often quips. When he is not fucking her, he reads her bedtime stories. Muzzo is Ferret’s editor and when not working for Ferret’s company, has a job on the side managing a sweat shop, which manufactures burquas for the modern Muslim woman. He also does cut price ritual nicks.
Lowanna Sidownmoney
Lowanna hails from the Giveusacigarette tribe from Arnhem Land. She once did nothing, but now, working as Ferret’s cartoonist, she has doubled her efforts. Her greatest works are probably her box cartoon series: ‘Mohammed and Aisha Rock the Seventh Century’, her famous painting ‘White Trash of the Hawkesbury’ and her depiction of lots of dead people in her famous cartoon strip: ‘We are not Superstitious’. Lowanna is unmarried and has six children.
Wayne (go fuck yourself) Whitey
Wayne hails from Richmond NSW and prides himself on being a true Hawkesbury boy. He lives in a lean-to outside Maccas with his ten children and his wife and sister (two titles: one person). He receives more money in welfare payments than he could possibly earn with his non-existent qualifications. It was this lack of skill sets, borne of a wasted education where he constantly told his teachers to ‘fuck off!’, that drew Ferret to him. Wayne now makes good money as Ferret’s personal assistant but has not disclosed this to the Australian Tax Department. He still says ‘Fuck’ a lot.
Shardonnay Minge
Shards, as she is affectionately known, is a Hawkesbury girl through and through. At just sixteen she is the youngest of Ferret’s staff. She prides herself on still being a virgin. ‘Takin’ it up the arsehole don’t count,’ she is fond of saying. Shards is Ferret’s social media manager when he can find her! She is more often at the local high school giving head to the senior boys behind the toilet block after school hours. When asked why she refused to give blow jobs to junior boys she replied: ‘Fuck off! I got morals!’ Oh, she’s got a dry wit, our Shardonnay.
Luke St Peter
Last, and certainly least, is Ferret’s tour manager, Luke St Peter. Luke refuses to tour with the Pheromones, choosing instead to do nothing. He is a devout Pentecostal Christian and relies entirely on prayer for the band’s success. Ferret keeps Luke on his payroll principally because Luke receives no pay. He insists that God will provide. Luke is scheduled to die soon. He believes that the Australian fires of 2019/2020 were a sign of God’s vengeance upon everyone who thinks that he is a fucking idiot, which is pretty well everyone.
This song is about the choice individuals and governments often make between illuminating people and deliberately keeping them in ignorance. It’s called Censorship is for Cunts.
This song is for any liberal thinking, broad-minded person who believes that adults should be treated as such. Australia has become a nanny state where any problem encountered is immediately rectified by banning or curtailing it in some way. Minority spoils. Censorship is hiding truths and denying experiences. True, we must look after the kids, but I’m a big boy and I choose freedom.
Click below to learn some new and valuable abbreviations you can use in messages for the Internet.
Here is a love song between Mohammed and Fatima that underscores the vibrant culture underpinning Islam. A satirical duet that was too hot for YouTube to handle.
Song and lyrics by Mark Clark. Captions by John Micallef.
The next piece of shit I will offer yous are details of . . .
Ferret’s European Vacation.
Next is a trailer for a movie that (fortunately) was never made.
Created and performed by Mark Clark and John Micallef.
Here is a song from parody punk band 'Ferret and the Pheromones'. Blame it on Tony Abbott. Tony Abbott was Australian Prime Minister from 2013 until 2015. His views were not always my own, but he is a good man and he fought hard against the fires here at the end of 2019. This song takes the piss out of him but it is a double-edged sword, because he got blamed for everything possible over the course of his prime-ministership.
Tony Abbott who was blamed for every incident that occurred during his reign.
.
Song and lyrics by Mark Clark. Pictures and video compiled by John Micallef.
Below is the first video ever produced by Ferret and the Pheromones.
Written and performed by Mark Clark (A.K.A. Ferris Cutler).
Filmed and directed by John Micallef.
This song is for any liberal thinking, broad-minded person who believes that adults should be treated as such. Australia has become a nanny state where any problem encountered is immediately rectified by banning or curtailing it in some way. Minority spoils. Censorship is hiding truths and denying experiences. True, we must look after the kids, but I’m a big boy and I choose freedom.
I was a high school teacher for 42 years and I seen the decline in standards over that time. So here’s a few comments and suggestions.
Rant 2 is a short one about illegal stuff and a couple ‘a thoughts on the Internet.
Milkin’ the Cow
The Disability Song
Australia is a great place to come if you are seeking welfare. This is a land of prosperity for the fat and the lazy. We bend over backwards to excuse poor behaviour from our students, and we assist the cause of mediocrity whenever we can. We are intent on excluding ‘ists’ from our dialogue, and on funding the indolent. This song is a call to come from overseas and ‘milk the cow’.